Choosing Work-Life Integration
Not long ago I was speaking in a fireside chat about what it means to be authentic in business; how to form, retain and nurture genuine relationships and connections, especially as a woman in a male-dominated space. During the Q-and-A section, one of the audience members asked me what I have had to give up along the way in my career, as both a working mom and a professional.
I had to pause for a moment, because the narrative surrounding her question, the notion that you HAVE to sacrifice or give up a part of yourself to be both a mom and a career woman, is one that’s all too common, and also inaccurate. Balance is a myth, but integration is the truth and it’s something that I live out every day. The key is that I have redefined what balance means in my life - it’s not an expectation, period. The standard I set for myself is that I do the best I can with what I have...in what I am doing...at any given time.
I replied honestly and candidly, explaining that I really do not look at my life in that manner. Were there opportunities knocking along the way that I shrugged off? Sure. Were there experiences that I put off to a later date? Yep. Could it be perceived that I was missing out on a work event or time with my kids many times? Definitely. But, these are all due to decisions I made and all were within my control. I continue to make CHOICES on the daily. It is no one else’s responsibility what I choose to say “yes” to or “no” to or “maybe later”. Every decision I’ve made has been based on my intuition, my focus and my family.
The way I see it is that any given day I need to be ready to adjust my priorities and shift my plans to meet the demands that are presented to me, and there are so many. Time passes in hours, even minutes - not five year chunks - so I don’t feel the pressure to completely give up my career or sacrifice more than one to two evenings a week at home with my kids. I simply mold myself to the moment I’m in and accept it for what it is - a moment in time. Lamenting on what I am missing out on adds zero value to my life, so I don’t let those thoughts germinate.
“Lamenting on what I am missing out on adds zero value to my life, so I don’t let those thoughts germinate.”
For example, I couldn’t spend the night with my kids to be at the fireside chat; I made the decision easily because I was excited for the opportunity and the connections to be made. On that same note, I can’t spend late nights at the office because I cherish the time I spend with my kids at home. Work can get done efficiently at other times of the evening if need be. I make choices like these ten times a day. I can’t devote every second to my job and I can’t devote every second to my family, but when I zoom out to look at the bigger picture, I am able to be present, in the way I want to be, for both. And, I am able to feel good about my choices and not be hard on myself for choosing one way or the other.
If people perceive that this as though I am ‘giving something up’, well they are entitled to their lens. I experienced this sort of perception when I decided to leave Wall Street. So many people I knew were shocked that I would walk away from a perceived coveted, high-paying job. I received a lot of judgement, but I knew that pursuing my passions and defining my purpose in life would bring me more joy. It was the best choice I made. From that point in my career, I determined that I was not going to let someone else’s ego or lens on life influence my decisions. Sacrifice is in the eye of the beholder, and if I feel like I am living as my authentic self and choosing what is best for me in any moment, then that is my truth.
I genuinely believe that more people are starting to subscribe to this understanding. Ever since the start of my career, I’ve noticed a major cultural shift around motherhood in the workplace. Fifteen years ago women were nervous to tell their supervisors they were pregnant; taking three months of maternity leave was looked at almost as a problem. Today, the support and joy that is appropriate for someone having a baby seems to characterize workplace announcements. Still, there is room for progress. It’s time that women’s priorities stop being viewed as immovable, changed fixtures once they have children.
I don’t wake up with five specific goals in mind and beat myself up if I have to re-prioritize for something else that comes up, and truthfully, neither does any other woman I know. We aren’t constantly making sacrifices, we are simply adapting to the world around us. Shaking this sense of permanence is key to changing the conversation. After I explained how my priorities have never felt like secession at the fireside chat, many women came up to me to share that they felt the same way but never knew how to articulate it. The problem is - if we don’t speak up when we sense that what we have to add is of value, nothing changes.
It’s time for working moms to be candid about their journeys. It’s time that we silence the judgments of people around us and determine what we value most without the input of ego-driven sources. We aren’t missing out on family moments or promotions or anything else we’re passionate about. We are capable of building the lives we want whether or not we have children. Let’s not only take ownership of this ability, but let’s empower others to do the same. We’re already walking the walk, it’s time to talk the talk and change the narrative around work-life integration.
