“It must be nice.” This saying is just so condescending. Even typing it makes me cringe.
Think about when you have heard this or a time when you have said it yourself. Is it ever from a place of compassion? Is it ever with the intention of raising someone up, or adding value to their life? Likely not. It’s more likely meant to put someone down or make them feel inferior. But, why would anyone want to do that?
Seeing someone who has things we want, does what we wish to do or seems like someone we would like to be can be emotionally triggering. This may or may not sound juvenile, but you’re not supposed to shoot the messenger. The triggering moment is there as a lesson to teach you about yourself, not to enable you to react and project your emotional instability. It is the messenger that is calling you to look within at the reason you’re being triggered. That reason, or root cause, wants to be seen and heard. What is it about what that person is/does/has that brings up feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, victimhood?
Negative emotions are often a reflection of the internal view of self and when present they help you get to a place of self-awareness. If not acknowledged and listened to, the same emotions will continue to show up until given the attention they seek. This happens so often in life, people are busy and so hyper-focused on the external world that they neglect their internal nature. They forget there is a human spirit inside that needs attention and nourishment. Our human experience is defined by our level of consciousness and ability to evolve as a soul. Riding the waves of emotion is in essence what makes us human.
When you understand your emotions and cyclical habits and patterns, the underlying motives of others become so clear. You start to not only see others emotional turbulence but feel it. I can blatantly feel when someone is trying to bring another down or dim their light. It shows up often when people are comparing their life to that of another. In this world of ‘always on’ and ‘glory moments’ many can get emotionally triggered by what they see on social media. These are the people that tend to respond harshly and put people down. They experience an emotion that they don’t want to feel so they rush to cut people with words in order to avoid having to feel something painful within. It’s much easier to project it than it is to deal with it. But that way of moving through life just causes the perpetrator more pain and suffering.
As I’ve become more and more aware of my own emotional landscape, I understand times in my past where I may have felt or said this phrase to or about others. And I see that it was not ever about the other person, rather a projection of my own feelings of lack.
Many times people that think or say “it must be nice” to another person actually feel like they are not doing enough, are not enough, or somehow they are lacking. Even though that’s very rarely the truth, what they don’t see is that their jealousy, envy and anger is being brought upon by their own self-judgment. They believe a certain story about themself that they have created. When they see in someone else what they want in themselves they’re bothered because it’s not theirs yet.
Perception is reality though. The way that one perceives their own life is the way that they will see the surroundings that make up their reality. It will bleed into all of their thoughts, experiences, relationships until they’re conscious of it.
We must be more conscious of our thoughts, feelings, actions and yes, language. Most people are aware that there is energy in feelings but they’re unaware that WORDS CARRY ENERGY. An anonymous quote I love is a great reminder: “words are free but it’s how you use them that can cost you”.
I recall communication trainings over the years in the corporate world where I took away two main rules:
Do not say anything in an email that you wouldn’t want on the front page of the newspaper
Know that what you say in email can be misconstrued so be careful of your tone
These rules of thumb were not just corporate jargon about communication etiquette and protecting a company’s reputation. Sure that’s the tangible way of looking at it, but there is much deeper knowledge at the top that is aware of the importance of language. It can be a real game changer, in a positive or negative way, in business and relationships in general.
While the last few months have slowed us down there is no better time to look within. It’s never too late to start the journey. This time of fear and pandemic has brought to light a lot beneath the surface, for every human being. Light has shone where there were shadows. If we listen to what’s going on inside before finding respite in hurting someone else, we will be more emotionally intelligent because of this time.
The rest of 2020 will be full of lessons and opportunities to face our fears and heal our emotional wounds. It will be a time of many triggering moments, for all. Rather than project or numb them with phrases like “it must be nice”, let’s each commit to the inner work so that we can move forward with more clarity and unity. If we want to change the world, we first have to change ourselves. Are you committed?
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