Forgiveness is transformational if it is sincerely granted. Forgiveness, to me, used to mean an act of someone telling another person they forgive them for what they did or said, usually right after the moment it happened. For example, when a child hits another child then says “I’m sorry”, the child who was hit may say, “It’s okay, I forgive you.” It’s not often we hear adults say “I forgive you” though, in fact even apologizing is a stretch for some people.
I’ve experienced personal transformation in the last couple of years that has helped me broaden my perception to see that forgiveness is actually so much deeper. It is liberating. There are no rules or guidelines to follow regarding forgiveness because it is not man-made. Contrary to what you may think, forgiveness does not always have to be verbal. I’ve learned that it can be a feeling, a mental wish, a desire from the heart. And I’ve practiced this a lot as I’ve become more self-aware.
You can forgive people for causing you hurt, whether in the past or present, and most importantly you can forgive yourself for being hurtful. With techniques such as visualization, meditation, and journaling, forgiveness can be shared so that the painful words or acts we have held onto in our psyches can be forever released. It’s not forgive and forget, rather forgive and let go. It’s only when we truly release the emotional pain brought upon us, or inflicted on others, that we can move closer to our authentic self and live a fulfilled life.
My journey to self-awareness has been filled with self-work. This is work I continue to do, and always will. I believe we all have a fundamental need to do self-work as humans -- it’s just a matter of when we discover it. So much of my self-work has entailed being present in silence with myself to reflect on who I am, what has shaped my values, how I view life, why I believe what I do, and so on. Throughout the countless hours of very intense, deep, introspection I’ve discovered a plethora of thoughts and feelings attached to various aspects of my past.
Not long ago I uncovered feelings of unworthiness within that were tied to hurtful experiences as a middle school aged, young girl. I recalled the young me as if I were stuck in time...I was angry, sad, not good enough, less than. This is pain that had been stuck with me for decades. Physically and mentally I had moved on from this pain. I had grown, moved, built relationships, achieved goals, taken on roles, etc. Yet, that pain that I endured had not moved on from me. It resided in my emotional awareness.
Emotions from a long time ago still affect us as adults. I learned early on that external success does not mean emotional wounds have dissipated. They have to be healed and let go. It takes focus and effort to keep them from popping back up and playing out as a habit or pattern in our lives.
“It’s only when we truly release the emotional pain brought upon us, or inflicted on others, that we can move closer to our authentic self and live a fulfilled life. ”
From ages 8-12 I was emotionally hurt by bullies. The intentional hurt wasn’t always blatantly obvious. Bullying back when I was young didn’t occur through apps and text messages so there was no evidence per say. It was verbal, sometimes to my face, many times behind my back. The worst kind in my opinion, since I had a delayed understanding that I had been made a fool.
I attended a very small, private school where everyone knew everyone. There was no hiding, believe me I tried. Days were often agonizing and took a lot of energy out of me. Even though I had friends, was well-liked and did well academically, no one really knew the truth. My family didn’t know how hard it was to be in that environment every day. The bullies’ parents didn’t know that it was their kids who made fun of other children or singled them out. Teachers weren’t aware of the hurtful things said and done during recess.
Much of the hurt inflicted on me I internalized, because I was ashamed. As a young girl I took on my family’s circumstances as my own. In a way I wanted to protect my family from the mean kids, so I rarely voiced what went on. And I tried my best to defend the situation.
You see, my parents couldn’t really afford this private school, it was just important to them that their kids receive that type of education. I was surrounded by people whose parents could afford it. They had bigger houses, newer cars, greater things and some of their kids thought this made them better than me. I didn’t get to bond in ways they did with each other because I couldn’t play select sports or enroll in dance lessons. I was pretty much the only kid in school on the free lunch program and taking home past due tuition slips from the principal’s office.
Even though I endured those struggles, I have zero pity for myself. Were those tough times? Sure, but I am in no way a victim. I lived through the challenges and endured that pain so I could learn the lessons meant for me. I am incredibly resilient, empathetic and disciplined due to those experiences. It can take people a lifetime to learn lessons that develop character traits like this, if they ever even do. I possess the internal freedom to believe in myself regardless of what I have or what others say.
Most of all, I have chosen to forgive and let go of that hurt. I have found the following words to be liberating whether I’ve practiced them in meditation or repeated them in my head. To those that hurt me when I was young, I forgive you. My wish for you is to know your true self and fill your heart with empathy and compassion. I no longer hold this pain.
You too can be free of the hurt that you’re holding onto. You can be empowered to grant forgiveness because that’s what your heart wants to do. Imagine living a life where you have forgiven those that have scolded you. A world free of old patterns of negative emotions replaying in your future. Now, what if you could forgive yourself too?
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