You have all heard this saying. Have you ever stopped to really let that sink in? I have. And I have spent a lot of my own energy focusing inward how this applies in life. I wholeheartedly agree with Teddy Roosevelt’s statement and will add to it that comparison also steals our creativity, productivity, and feelings of self-worth. This is detrimental to our careers, relationships and view of our self.
Trust me, I should know because I am not unscathed when it comes to the tendency to compare myself to others. There was a length of time earlier in my career when it was prevalent in my day to day existence at work. We all do it at some point or another and it’s blatant in our personal lives with social media these days. But it’s more destructive than you think.
This issue has been at the forefront of my mind lately because of all the amazing people in my life. I have numerous official and unofficial mentoring connections. I organically connect with people in a way that they enjoy sharing their vulnerable selves with me, and in turn I take it upon myself to uplift, motivate and inspire them. When I think about these people, I see blossoming careers, fresh perspectives, and an unmatched desire to grow. But from what I glean from our conversations, what they see in themselves, is someone who should be further along in their career or life. They see someone who’s not good enough because they don’t have the title, the compensation, the partner, the house, the car...and on and on.
It’s heartbreaking.
It’s great to be ambitious. And it’s great to have “successful” people in your life to look up to. But it’s when we start comparing ourselves to them that this element of self-judgment creeps in, making it ten times harder to feel content with the goals we set for ourselves, let alone to reach them. The nasty game of comparison breeds judgment and fear - the opposite of acceptance and love. When we start constantly judging ourselves, we get trapped in this ruinous mindset of “I should have”, “if only I”, “why can’t I”... you get the gist. This mindset of lack and way of talking to yourself will only bring about more confusion and more of what you don’t want in life, not what you’re after.
That is your Inner Critic, aka ego, speaking to you. It gets a majority of its information from the external world around you. It is NOT your intuition or your true self that is talking. Your true self would speak with compassion, empathy and love to you. Acknowledge this inner critic, it will always be an aspect in your mind. But, the key to fulfillment is to know when it arises, and avoid letting it control your emotions and permeate every aspect of your life. I’m here to share with you a few ways you can do this.
1. Go inward
First things first, you need to recognize when your feelings of insecurity and lack arise and understand where they come from. "I’m not making enough money." "I’m not good enough at my job." "I should have done this or should have that."
When these thoughts come up all you’re doing is stating a judgment of yourself based on an attachment to something your ego says you should be or should have. But your thoughts aren’t facts. They are actually rooted on underlying beliefs somewhere deep inside, and it’s up to you to figure out WHY you’re judging yourself. Is it really that you don’t have the title or the income? Or is it because you have always believed that you are not good enough no matter what age you are or job you have?
Yes, this means asking tough questions of yourself. It also means becoming self-aware. It is a powerful form of mindfulness. Treat yourself with the same kindness and curiosity you would another person. Instead of letting that critical voice put you down, realize that judgment is coming up to give you the opportunity to approach the problem from a different angle. What if you reframe that judgment into something more positive? Figure out what lesson was there for you to learn. Reflect on the good that came out of it.
Self-reflection is a great way to quiet that critical voice. I personally do this daily through meditation, journaling and simply sitting in stillness. Not to mention talking silently to myself - when I hear my ego talk to me negatively I tell it that I do not believe what it is saying and that it is not true. Going inward to reflect on where these external judgments really come from will lead to a more peaceful, successful, happy life.
2. Give yourself time to process
We often get swept away by our own thoughts because of how fast they’re firing in our brains. Next time you think, “I’m not as good as John Smith because he makes a million dollars a year,” PAUSE.
Is this thought even true? Of course not. (Remember, thoughts aren’t facts!)
We all have moments of insecurity, envy or jealousy that bring us down, but giving yourself time to process these emotions can help. The key is to catch them before they start to affect your behaviors and attitude and send you in a downward spiral. When I catch myself in a judgy state of mind, and I feel like my inner critic is taking over, I stop and ask myself, is this thought or feeling pushing me to be a better version of myself? More often than not, the answer is no. So be kind to yourself.
Give yourself a moment to realize what’s happening, and choose to release it. Otherwise letting it fester and believing it can make it the self-judgment worse.
3. Own your destiny.
Life doesn’t happen to us, it happens through us. Even though we have all external forces validating our insecurities, comparison is actually an internal issue. For example, to be raised to believe that you have to earn love results in you treating others as though they also have earn love from you. This is a script or a pattern that may be picked up during childhood. And on a subconscious level it will remain with you until you become aware of it and do the self-work to understand the underlying, deeper meaning. These aren’t things you can just escape. But you can take ownership of them instead of the other way around.
“It doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing in their life. What matters is YOUR perspective and what energy you are putting out there. That is what you get in return.”
Don’t give away your power by focusing on others. Why do we spend time honoring someone else’s life? What a waste of our energy! Honor yourself. You’re just as valuable of a person as the next, regardless of what they have. Why covet someone else’s success when you could be working on reaching your own potential?
Give yourself the gift of seeing through the illusion: it doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing in their life. What matters is YOUR perspective and what energy you are putting out there. That is what you get in return.
Fulfillment is about how content you are with YOU. Remember to treat yourself with compassion. You deserve happiness as much as anyone. It's time to cut out the comparison game from your life.
Comments